Dear Little Lucy – Turkey in Hiding

Dear Little Lucy,

I write to you from a secret location. Not to be paranoid or anything but I know my days are numbered. I stood at the lookout last night and heard the clock ticking. I know those men in orange are coming to take me away. I can feel it. The forest is quiet at this time of year. A few squirrels are gathering nuts but no one puts them on the menu for Thanksgiving. Why can’t the other white meat still be chicken at the end of November? I’m a fan of the vegans. What’s a turkey to do? If only those scientist didn’t ruin the rumors of tryptophan, it might have saved a few more of our necks. I mean isn’t trying to outrun their cars crossing the road enough! The squirrels know. Those men in orange vests won’t get me this year! I setup boobie traps around my fort. Just wait! Sorry for venting but I had to send out a warning to my visiting friends. I know they read your column. I wouldn’t want them caught in the traps.

Sincerely,
Turkey in hiding

Dear Turkey in Hiding,

Oh dear! Forgive the phrase but I send this out to all of your friends so they may avoid your traps. I can understand your frustration but beware. Those men in orange may be armed and may not take kindly to your boobie traps. Please be careful and mindful of all creatures living, even humans. I know you are trying to hide but what if you did the opposite. Why don’t you put on an orange vest for a month? The chances of them getting you would drop significantly. Although some of them still have accidents now and then. This method might be safer for you and your friends that wish to pay you a visit. Sitting alone in your hidden fort building up your anger is never good.

Sincerely,

Little Lucy

P.S. I am sending you an orange hunting tent and vest for you own protection. It lacks style but it’s better than ending up on someone’s menu.

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Dear Courting Panda – from Dear Little Lucy

Dear Courting Panda,

Thank you for writing to me with such a heartfelt story.  There are many other male mammals wondering the very same thing.  Take heart when I say studies show that courting the female panda may be the most difficult of all species.  In fact, trying to get Pandas to court is always under study.  It also sounds like your counterpart is giving you mixed signals and there is no sure way to tell if she is playing hard to get.  Remember, I am no expert at animal relationships but I would suggest continuing to court her the old fashioned way.  Woo her.  She kept the flower.  Place one there regularly and try not to watch her.  Get know what kind of bamboo she prefers.  Place a few near her favorite tree and see if she accepts them.  You can always resort to lines of poetry or finding out things she likes.  Sit near her and go about your business as usual.  Say “hello” to her even if it makes you uncomfortable, but give no hint to her that you were the one leaving the love notes or flowers.   Always be the polite gentleman.  Let her get used to your presence every day.  Try this for a few days and work your way up to introducing yourself.  She may be shy.  Continue wooing her but don’t say that it’s you.  Sit at enough distance from her and take your leave before her at the same time every day.  Never stalk her – that will definitely scare her off.   Have patience.  Try to have small talk after your introductions and listen.  Wait for her replies.  Try this for a while and then be gone one day or two.  Have one of the squirrels see if she looks for you.  Then, return as before but this time hand her the same flower left for her the very first day.  See how she reacts.  If she snubs you or doesn’t return then forget her.  She will only ever be your lunch buddy.  There are other pandas in the forest.  Write back to me and let me know how things went even if they didn’t turn out the way you hoped.  I’m sure the other pandas in the forest are waiting to hear how things went.  You may want to enclose an email for the other pandas if you are turned down.  I’m sure they will want to meet to the panda that went to all this trouble for one lunch date.

 

Sincerely,

Little Lucy

Dear Little Lucy – The Courting Panda

Dear Little Lucy,

One day, deep in the bamboo forest I came to a clearing and saw a beautiful sight. She was sitting there bathed in sunlight and the stripes on her fur looked as soft as flower petals. I sat and stared while I chewed on my lunch. I was too overwhelmed by her beauty. Later, I heard from the other animals that her name was Meili. Her very names means beauty. She was relocated to my part of the forest a month ago. She doesn’t seem to mind my presence when we sit near each other. We look quietly at each other in our meeting place every day. Neither of us speak. We just sit and eat. Every day, I try to work up the courage to say something – anything, but alas no words pour out. I know female pandas are difficult to court. What do I say to such a beauty? A few days ago, I arrived early and placed a flower near her favorite tree. She sniffed around and found it. To my surprise, she placed the flower behind her tiny ear. Then she smiled at me! My hand shook and my mouth went dry. My heart thudded and then nothing. I was speechless. What am I to do? How do I make the next move? Please help. I don’t know what step is next in courting my love.

Sincerely,

The Courting Panda

(Look for Lucy’s reply next week. What are your thoughts? How does a Panda court another mate? Send Dear Little Lucy a comment to include.)

Dear Little Lucy from One Tired Hamster

Dear Little Lucy,

I feel like a failure. Recently a few new things appeared in my cage. I think my master is displeased by something I did. I climbed inside this shiny new contraption and it began to move. I was trapped in the shiny round thing for hours as it spun and spun. If that wasn’t enough my delicious nibbles were changed into bland pellets that smell like hay. Is my master trying to punish me? Where did my flavorful nibblets go? The worst part is I am so so curious about the shiny round thing I can’t stop myself from climbing in. I run and run for hours. What am I to do? Is this some kind of animal abuse? Please help.

Sincerely,
One Tired Hamster

Dear One Tired Hamster,

Do not try to worry your running legs so. We domestic pets have been experiencing this for years. For some reason when our human owners go on a health kick they feel the need to make their pets suffer along with them. I think it’s because they don’t want to suffer alone. Let’s all hope this is another one of their trends that will go out of style, or we may have to skew the data at the test labs. The shiny new round thing in your cage is called a hamster wheel. Yes, I agree it looks like a torture device but with practice you can keep yourself fit. I think it’s like the exercise machine the humans call the treadmill. As for the change of food, those are probably diet pellets. I know they can’t replace your tastier nibblets but don’t worry I’m sure your master means well. Think of it this way they are trying to extend your life with these changes. They seem to think exercise and a healthier diet will make them live longer. So your master truly has good intentions by thinking the same changes in your life will have the same effect.

Sincerely,
Little Lucy