Dear Little Lucy,
I write to you from a secret location. Not to be paranoid or anything but I know my days are numbered. I stood at the lookout last night and heard the clock ticking. I know those men in orange are coming to take me away. I can feel it. The forest is quiet at this time of year. A few squirrels are gathering nuts but no one puts them on the menu for Thanksgiving. Why can’t the other white meat still be chicken at the end of November? I’m a fan of the vegans. What’s a turkey to do? If only those scientist didn’t ruin the rumors of tryptophan, it might have saved a few more of our necks. I mean isn’t trying to outrun their cars crossing the road enough! The squirrels know. Those men in orange vests won’t get me this year! I setup boobie traps around my fort. Just wait! Sorry for venting but I had to send out a warning to my visiting friends. I know they read your column. I wouldn’t want them caught in the traps.
Turkey in hiding
Dear Turkey in Hiding,
Oh dear! Forgive the phrase but I send this out to all of your friends so they may avoid your traps. I can understand your frustration but beware. Those men in orange may be armed and may not take kindly to your boobie traps. Please be careful and mindful of all creatures living, even humans. I know you are trying to hide but what if you did the opposite. Why don’t you put on an orange vest for a month? The chances of them getting you would drop significantly. Although some of them still have accidents now and then. This method might be safer for you and your friends that wish to pay you a visit. Sitting alone in your hidden fort building up your anger is never good.
P.S. I am sending you an orange hunting tent and vest for you own protection. It lacks style but it’s better than ending up on someone’s menu.